Matt is from Mars, Women are from Venus

This timeworn version of the war between men and women was brought to us through the "Mattamorphoses" of Debbie Martin

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"?

Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist University, English 44A, SMU, Creative Writing, Prof. Miller.

In-class Assignment for Wednesday:

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

"The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted."

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STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Matt, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Matt. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

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Meanwhile, Major Matt Mason, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "Major Matt Mason to Space Station 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his Star Seeker's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

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He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

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Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, an alien mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the alien spacefleet were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

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This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

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Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

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Asshole.

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Bitch.

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